Monstropolis — Amazon CEO Andy Jassy announced this morning that after months of tense negotiations, the tech conglomerate has officially acquired Monsters, Inc., bringing them back to Scream.
“We are thrilled to welcome Monsters, Inc. to the Amazon family. However, to align the brand with our business ethos, we plan to return to scream-based power soon,” said Jassy. said in a recent press statement. “Our engineers have ensured that children’s screams are a more cost-effective way to meet our energy needs.”
Jassy went on to explain the economic benefits of using screams, while acknowledging the reluctance of some monsters who have grown accustomed to making children laugh instead.
“It’s been 20 years since the management of Monsters, Inc. turned to laughter, but we believe screaming is the future here at Amazon,” Jassy says, looking out over the refurbished floor of horror. I was. “We all love a good laugh, but when a child’s blood-curdling scream produces three times the power of his, it’s really easy.”
Not everyone involved in the merger is thrilled with the decision, as many disgruntled Monsters, Inc. employees have publicly spoken out against it.
“Oh, I think we’re losing focus,” said maintenance employees Needleman and Smithy, who are working on reconditioning the container. “It’s cheaper to scare them, so it’s just a way to cut corners. This is exactly why we need Monsters Union.”
Following the announcement, industry insiders sided with the acquisition with near-universal acclaim. One of the most supportive voices is Amazon founder and former CEO Jeff Bezos.
“Children must be sacrificed. Their screams fuel the engines of industry. Long live the new meat!” Bezos said as he boarded a screaming Blue Origin flight.
At press time, Amazon revealed plans to acquire the Al’s Toy Barn chain of retail stores. There, the intention is to remove consciousness from all toys before Black Friday.